Do you suffer from emotional dependency?

Do you suffer from emotional dependency?

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Malta Mueller via Getty Images How to save a straight couple? Mona Solette’s new book breaks love

Malta Mueller via Getty Images

Appreciation, validation of their actions and decisions, knowing they are constantly loved, the emotionally dependent person needs constant reassurance. Returning the (heaviest) task of taking care of all these needs is the couple’s partner.

Couple Life – Emotional dependence is an unconscious behavior that can lead to seeking love, self-confidence andAppreciated One outside himself. Through praise and validation of their actions and decisions, they need to know that they are constantly loved. depending on Emotions need to be constantly validated. Returning the (heaviest) task of taking care of all these needs is the couple’s partner. These are mostly Women People with this behavior, but it also applies to men.

By accepting this behavior, we are trying to escape from a deep malaise called affective insecurity. So it’s a purely unconscious and defensive strategy: a person avoids facing these affective insecurities, resulting in anxiety, emptiness, fear of abandonment, feelings of not being a good person, and guilt.

Obviously this is a bottomless pit, because the emotionally dependent person is completely convinced that he is worthless and unlovable. Also, signs of love, compliments, even his presence Partner A moment can reassure her, and the insecurity is quickly felt again.

How is this dependent relationship constructed?

At the beginning of a relationship, everything is beautiful, everything is rosy, lovers want to continue being together, this is called the phase. “honeymoon”. The emotionally dependent person has his needs met and the partner enjoys satisfying him. When this phase ends (which is the case for all couples), things get tough: the look away, a “I love you” An unspoken smiley, a missing smiley at the end of a text message, a delay, a voice perceived as cold or distant…that’s sadness. She explains the slight sign against her because she doesn’t believe that the person who depends on her can love her: “He/she must not love me anymore”. There, the insecurity reappears and in order not to feel it, the emotional person will try to protect themselves by all means and cling to their partner: “Will you always love me? Yes? You promise me?” “Where are you going? Why don’t you ask me out for a drink with your colleagues?”, hoping to get a positive response that would reassure her for a while. And by force, this behavior necessarily creates tension and exhausts the partner. Furthermore, it sustains the affective dependent’s belief: I am nothing without the other.

Often emotionally dependent people ignore it until their needs are met from the outside because it keeps them from feeling bad, feeling that something is wrong. It is often when the opposite person starts setting boundaries and the emotionally dependent person begins to feel uncomfortable during the breakup. She will do anything not to let go because if she loses her partner she will lose her self-esteem, confidence and security!

How to recognize an emotional dependency?

It is important to note that almost everyone is more or less emotionally dependent. It becomes a misery to himself and his partner only to a certain extent.

Here are the signs that can alert you:

  • Reliance placed on others rather than self-reliance: demands one’s opinion on everything, difficulty making decisions;
  • The feeling of not being alone;
  • Inability to manage without a partner;
  • intense fear of abandonment and a sense of missing out;
  • A constant need to be reassured of a partner’s love and commitment;
  • One must be accepted in areas where one is not accepted;
  • Perpetual requirement for partner authorization and verification;
  • We wait for others to correct our mistakes;
  • A strong sense of abandonment in the face of distraction, delay, business travel;
  • Feelings of panic, anguish, emptiness, or emotional confusion, especially in the absence of a partner or at the prospect of separation;
  • Non-acceptance of limits through argument, retaliation, blame;
  • Tendency to question and interpret signs against him;
  • intense concern for his partner to the point of neglecting his other relationships (difficulty not thinking about it all day);
  • Difficulty establishing oneself, self-identification and low self-esteem;
  • Forgetting oneself to the extent of allowing oneself to be abused at times, accepting the intolerable, so as not to be left behind.

Here are some tips for developing a more balanced relationship

Fortunately, it is very possible for an emotionally dependent person to find happiness in their relationship. And it starts with taking care of yourself!

  • The first step is to recognize and assume that one is emotionally dependent. If we truly get there, it’s already halfway there! Unless we accept it, we vent our frustration (my partner is the problem) and/or make him feel guilty, which gets us nowhere (other than creating tension);
  • Really want to change, be better and agree to dedicate efforts to it! This step seems obvious, but some people can be in denial or in their comfort zone even though they are in pain!
  • Start your personal therapy! This will greatly help to alleviate your suffering and regain control over yourself;
  • Focus on yourself, yourself, and yourself again! Find the way that works for you: introspection, meditation, sophrology, walking in nature, … it doesn’t matter as long as you turn the camera on yourself to feel and welcome this insecurity and take charge of your needs;
  • Express your distress to a friend, a sibling, or a colleague, someone who is capable of listening without judgment, without advice, and with compassion.
  • Build your confidence! To do this, pick an action, even a small one, that you will feel proud of after doing it. Continue to the next one! You will straighten your shoulders and see that you are capable of more than you think;
  • Boost your self-esteem! At bedtime, write down 3 things you are proud of. If you get complimented, write it down too so you can remember it later. Periodically, re-read your notes to boost your self-esteem;
  • If you feel like you need importance, love, and trust from your partner, take a step back and ask yourself: Do I consider myself important? Do I love myself? Do I respect myself? You will know everything you plan to your partner!
  • Go to couples therapy! Even a few sessions can help restore the bond between you. This will allow everyone to understand each other better and support each other rather than blaming!

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